The dater: Ashley McKenzie-Barnes is an award-winning creative director, curator and professor. She recently opened the D.PE (Diverse, Progressive, Experiences) Agency, which prioritizes reflecting Toronto’s diverse creative community and equitable hiring.
The dates: “I don’t think I’ve had any really bad dates since I tend not to go out with people who I don’t have some kind of spark or connection with already. I think the worst dates for me existed in COVID, because of the lack of access to great places that I could actually go to and enjoy time with someone. You had to force yourself to get excited about a cold walk to park, or an awkward FaceTime call or Zoom. I think getting to know someone properly does have a lot to do with where and how you connect — usually accompanied by good ambiance and cocktails.
"I haven’t frequented lesbian bars in years, and I think there are many more options outside of just the queer scene. In my opinion, the best places to meet new people are cultural outings, like art fairs, concerts, museums and restaurants and hotels with great programming. I also love the Ossington and Dundas West strip for the diverse crowds. I think you see many more queer and non-queer folks mingling now and we don’t need to be boxed in by queer spaces only.
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"While I think Toronto is full of interesting people, I also think dating life in general can be difficult, queer or not, depending on what you’re looking for and what your intentions are. It’s easy to meet people, whether it’s through social circles, events or even online and on social media. The challenge lies in finding people who share your same values. interests and outlook on relationships. I say it’s difficult because it is quality vs. quantity.
"I often end up dating older women with kids where I’m their first queer experience. It’s always flattering to be approached by women who are curious about you and brave enough to make a bold move. There’s something to be said about seeing past gender and being open-minded enough to express your interest in someone of the same sex — allowing your curiosity and heart to guide, rather than fear.
"If I had to offer advice to folks exploring their queerness and wondering how to approach people, my first tip is to be flirty, so your girl-crush knows, without a doubt, that you’re interested. A lot of overused emojis and generic DMs get lost in translation and can come across as just friendly communication. With women who are expressing interest in other women for the first time, I think it’s important to be a bit more upfront, as it can be hard to read the room. Go for it, and make a bold move while keeping it respectful and playful. Too much aggression can be a turnoff, but a lighthearted and fun banter is always appreciated.
"Be upfront about what you are looking for or what you think your intentions are, even if it’s just that you’re curious about your girl-crush and you want to grab a drink to get to know them better. Sometimes beautiful friendships bloom from those initial encounters, if the sparks don’t fly romantically, and it’s nice to be open to just getting to know someone first.
"If you want to work on building queer community, there are options. We have great community events that have built safe spaces for people to explore their queerness and meet other curious or questioning folks in the city. One of the most notable events is YES YES Y’ALL, a great space that is inclusive for queer people and their friends. Toronto’s diverse community is amazing for providing areas in the city that feel safe for folks with different sexual orientations to come together and build and mingle. We have great parks like Trinity Bellwoods, and creative venues that feel good for this, like the Ace Hotel, that have thoughtful queer programming.
"It's important to not feel boxed in by traditional ideas of ‘queer spaces’ being on just the Church Street strip, or at queer-specific bars. Instead, get out and explore queer events that are happening around the city in new venues, bars and restaurants, and find those events online or through queer DJs and programmers who are promoting events that pop-up around the city. Toronto is a fun and interesting city with lots of new spaces and events to explore. Try different crowds, weekly queer nights, pop-up events and cultural events that feel open and safe for both the queer community and their allies.
"Testing the waters again after my last breakup was interesting. It was nice to get out and connect with like-minded people, and I think I learned a lot about reaffirming what I wanted for myself and what I wasn’t willing to make space for or invest energy into. When I finally met someone worth exploring, it felt like it was calm, easy, safe, and I was connecting with someone that was finally on the same page as me. I’m excited for the winter dates ahead, whether it’s spending QT in front of the fireplace, cozying up to a good movie or show, or getting outside and doing some winter activities.
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"I feel hopeful.”
Briony Smith is a Toronto-based freelance contributing columnist for The Kit. She writes about style and culture
Briony
Smith is a Toronto-based freelance contributing columnist for
The Kit. She writes about style and culture.
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